Fascinating class. I wish I was in SF to take it. Good luck!

Blessings,
Need advice? Looking for Inspiration? tribes.tribe.net/inspirationsfrombinah

I posted this to my fetlife blog, but thought I'd add it here as well...
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I frequently take BDSM classes at the Citadel, and most blend into the background. But the class I attended last night was just excellent, and warrants its own blog post. The class was called Navigating Monogamy in a Sea of Poly and was taught by Michael Bush, who is apparently well known in the Sacramento BDSM community.

I've learned that you can often tell how a class is going to be by who else is in the audience. Walking into the Citadel, I spotted Iain and Angela (proprietors of EduKink.com and accomplished BDSM educators themselves). Then I spotted Master Rick and slave Tina, two of my favorite people in the scene and also the 2008 Master/slave title holders. Aside from really liking Rick and Tina as people, they have a relationship that comes much closer to what I ultimately seek than most in the scene, so I was delighted to see them there.

A few jokes were made about how if Janus (the sponsor) had been successful in their marketing and managed to get 100% of the people in the SF scene who identify with monogamy to show up, then perhaps all seven of us would be in attendance! But as it would turn out there were more than a dozen people there, and we reassured one another that there really is a monogamy-oriented component of the scene, even if we're in the minority. Rick shared a few entertaining stories about how people had actually accused him of "not being a real Master" if he was unwilling to order his slave to have sex with other men. The maturity and intellect of people in the scene never ceases to amaze me. (See previous blog post on that subject).

I became something of a guinea pig, as Michael used my own circumstances to exemplify many of the points he made during his lecture. I quite appreciated the personalization, and didn't mind being singled out at all.

I think the biggest learning for me came after I said to the class, "You know, I feel like a complete weirdo in the scene, because I'm one of those old-fashioned types who really doesn't want to have sex with a girl without first at least taking her on a dinner date and getting to know her as a person!" Everyone laughed in recognition of the fact that my viewpoint is in the minority in our "community".

But the real lesson for me came when I realized that I only felt comfortable saying that because I knew I was in the company of like-minded people. Several other people in the class made the observation that there are plenty of women who go to munches once or twice and get turned off by the poly vibe, then never go back. My past behavior of not being clear in a much setting that I'm non-poly was motivated by the knowledge that I was in the minority, and a misplaced desire to "fit in". Making my unusual taste clear at a munch so as to identify myself to others in that minority would have been a much better strategy. Note to self: Be clear, be myself, and be proud of it. Being perceived as "a typical member of the BDSM community" is very definitely NOT a goal of mine, so being shy about the fact that I don't relate to this scene the way most others do was clearly a mistake.

It's ironic how things tend to work out... I was coming to this class from another event, and was wearing a sport jacket, slacks and nice shoes. I would normally never show up at the Citadel in such attire, for fear of looking like a complete outcast. Frankly, I just don't relate to "Leather attire", and don't own the big boots (to me they just look silly), leather vest, leather pants, and the rest of the "in the scene" uniform. So in the past when I go to the Citadel I've tried to come as close as I could by wearing my one pair of black boots (they're from Barney's, not Mr. S. Leather, but they're as close to the "leather look" as my wardrobe gets), black pants and a black shirt. In other words, I've tried to dress down from my usual attire to fit into the crowd as best I could.

Ironically, for this particular class, logistics demanded that I be dressed like myself. Michael (the instructor) stopped me on the way out, and offered the advice that he thought the best thing I could do was dress for a play party as I was at the class. His point was that I would stick out like a sore thumb, and that this was desirable, since my relationship desires are also quite unusual in the scene, and being perceived as different is therefore desirable.

Great food for thought. I generally avoid play parties (I'm a private play kind of guy), but I think that just for fun if I ever go to a play party again, I'll wear my black Armani sport coat, black Zenga slacks, black Gucci loafers and belt, and a black silk shirt. The all-black look is enough "scene" for me, and frankly sticking out like a sore thumb who doesn't fit into "the BDSM scene" is just fine with me. Besides, I enjoy dressing up in clothes that I think are dressy. It's the "Formal Leather" look that I just don't think I could bring myself to wear.

Rick and Tina are teaching M/s relationship dynamics at the Citadel on 4/11. I'll definitely be attending that class too.

Scott